Dealing with irate parents and difficult board members

We all have to deal with angry people and difficult situations at one time or another. While we’d prefer that didn’t happen in the first place, it is reality. Sometimes, you are simply in the wrong place and time when you are on the receiving end of someone’s pent-up irritation, or you’re the representative for your administration on a day when things went horribly awry. Or sometimes, being human, you genuinely made a mistake that people are angry about. It happens! 

When it’s not possible to prevent people from getting angry, the best thing you can do is learn how to defuse that anger safely.

Safety first

While raising one’s voice, gesturing wildly, and making abusive comments does not necessarily mean that the situation is going to become violent, you should understand that a person exhibiting those characteristics has already lost some form of control. In situations where the person you’re speaking with is escalating, the safety of you and the people around you needs to be foremost in your mind.

“I will note that it seems our conversation is not being productive,” says Scott Wilson, Former Pasco [Wash.] Teachers Union President. “Then I tell them I’ll discuss it with our administration and they will get back to you." He suggests that teachers not take it upon themselves to deal with the parent once the parent has lost control. “I tell the administrator that I need them to intervene, and that if the parent continues this way of communicating and badgering, I will be asking you to handle communicating with them as well.” 

Wilson also notes that it is against Washington State law to verbally abuse, yell at, or curse at a teacher. “[Board] members should know that abusive parents are the responsibility of administration and telling a teacher to handle it or get over it is completely unacceptable. Good administrators know the importance of protecting the staff.”

Any person who shall insult or abuse a teacher anywhere on the school premises while such teacher is carrying out his or her official duties, shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, the penalty for which shall be a fine of not less than ten dollars nor more than one hundred dollars. RCW 28A.635.010

If your irate board member or angry parent can be calmed down enough to be able to discuss ways to resolve their problem, then you are in a good place to continue the discussion. Sometimes, however, the anger seems to have no end, and then you have to start looking at the less logical reasons.

Anger is a symptom

Licensed clinical psychologist Nadia Persun, Ph.D, points out that behind the obnoxious behavior, shouting and gesturing, most angry people are suffering from a core issue of feeling that their needs are not being met or respected. “Most likely, they are trying to tell you that they are feeling hurt, ignored, disrespected, unappreciated and unloved,” said Persun. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/26/how-to-switch-off-an-angry-person

“When parents get frustrated, it is usually because they feel like their concerns for their child are not being heard or understood,” explains Kalina McCreery, an Enrichment Teacher who has worked in Chicago, Atlanta and Los Angeles. “Just like the kids, when they get frustrated, logic can shut down and emotions can lash out. In these moments, I like to step back, stand silent and still and let them yell themselves out, then hand them a cup of water.”

McCreery then goes on to state that she is listening and wants to help reach a resolution that works within existing rules. “This will be easier for me if we both remain calmer. Will you let me help you find that resolution?"

Neill Gibson, author of What’s Making You Angry, suggests that it is important not to take anger personally, because their anger is never about you. “This can be challenging, but you can start learning how to avoid taking things personally by understanding this: Everything people do or say comes from a desire to meet their needs or to support something they value. For example, an angry person may need consideration or value responsibility. And they are doing the best they can to express their needs and values.”

Give out an imaginary cupcake

Once you’re able to recognize that the angry board member or colleague in front of you has some core feelings that are not being appreciated, Persun has a silly-sounding suggestion with some good psychology behind it. She suggests giving out an ‘imaginary cupcake’ to soothe your angry colleague. 

“Cupcakes are sweet, peaceful, calming and smile-inducing,” she explains. “Raging people often are in dire need of an imaginary cupcake. A big part of their anger is driven by their belief or feeling that they never get any or someone stole or damaged their cupcakes,” Persun says. “So, generously give them one or even a couple, even when they seem to be undeserving of any sweetness.”

Persun suggests that listening and responding to the angry person’s unmet needs calmly and emphatically can serve as the key to getting more cooperation from emotionally agitated people. She suggests that you say, “I think I understand what is going on here, but feel free to correct me, my friend,” and so on. “Then offer some reflective listening, validating their concerns to an extent,” she says. Even if you do not agree with their point of view, you can usually find a way to agree with them in theory, without assigning any blame or offering any argument. 

What if I’ve used up all the cupcakes?

Time is also a tool to calm things down. “When I could sense the parent was worked up, I just said I would like to sit down with them to discuss the issue,” explains Paula Dibble, a former preschool teacher in Washington State. “I always made it for the next day, which helped diffuse things for both parties. 

Sometimes, despite using all of the above techniques, your colleague or parent still remains upset. What do you do then? Fortunately, beyond a certain point, anger isn’t your problem — it’s theirs. 

After you have done your best to actively solve the problem at hand, taken responsibility for mistakes you or your department made and/or put in place methods to prevent the problem from occurring in the future, the way someone feels about it really is beyond your control.

Clarkson has her own technique for dealing with an angry person who simply refuses to be soothed or helped. She says, “That's when I have a cup of tea and move on.”

Contributed by Megan J. Wilson, a Los Angeles-based freelance writer and communications consultant