Lead with empathy

“Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.”
– Brené Brown

As we enter year two of the pandemic, the need for empathy is apparent. Families are looking to school leadership to improve student success and increase equity in schools. Empathy in leadership can diffuse tensions at school board meetings, boost staff morale and lead to building trust in the community. 

When a parent or staff member is upset, it may be easier to sympathize and offer a solution or direct them toward a silver lining. More important than having the answers, is actively listening without judgment and understanding how they feel. Empathy doesn’t mean being nice or agreeing with the person. An empathetic response will show the person your care and concern about their experience. 

What is empathy?

Author and researcher Brené Brown defines empathy as an important way to connect with people. Empathy is feeling with people when they are struggling. It is a way to show them you understand, and they are not alone. It is not sympathy, which is feeling bad for people. 
 
According to Brown, who studies human connection, there are four attributes of empathy:

Perspective taking refers to trying to understand another person. It requires putting aside our own experiences, biases, values and seeing the world as they see it. 

Staying out of judgment means refraining from comments that invalidate their experience or make them feel wrong, such as, “that’s not that serious,” or “I don’t know why you’re getting so upset about it.”

Recognizing emotions means acknowledging their feelings and maybe realizing you have had a similar experience. You could say, “I would be frustrated, too, in your place,” or “I’m sorry. That must have been really hard.”

Communication means telling them you understand what they are feeling. You might, for instance, say something like, “I’m so sorry this happened. I’ve been there, and it’s hard,” and “tell me more.” www.k12insight.com/trusted/empathy-isnt-sympathy-schools-need-understand

Showing empathy is not easy. According to Bruna Martinuzzi, an educator, author and speaker who specializes in emotional intelligence, empathy is like a muscle that gets stronger the more we use it. She suggests the following tips to help you practice empathy:

Listen. Listen with your ears, eyes and heart. Pay attention to others' body language, to their tone of voice, to the hidden emotions behind what they are saying to you, and to the context.

Be fully present when you are with people. Don't check your email or look at your phone. 

Don't interrupt people. Don't dismiss their concerns offhand. Don't rush to give advice. Don't change the subject. Allow people their moment.

Tune in to non-verbal communication. This is the way that people often communicate what they think or feel, even when their verbal communication says something quite different.

Practice the "93 percent rule.” When communicating about feelings and attitudes, words account for only 7 percent of the total message that people receive. The other 93 percent of the message that we communicate when we speak is contained in our tone of voice and body language. Reflect on how you come across when you communicate with others about your feelings and attitudes. www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_75.htm

Empathy in conversations about race

Understanding and practicing empathy can help diffuse tension around sensitive or challenging issues, including understanding and addressing race issues. School districts are adopting anti-racist policies, discussing the value of diversity in school leadership, and forging connections with communities of color. These events have created important race-related discussions that can become heated without empathy. How do we connect with people who are different than us?

Talking about race or someone’s experience with racism is often uncomfortable. According to business coach Tamaan Wilkinson, “Many people have not learned to ‘be with’ uncomfortable emotions — their own or others. They haven’t learned how to feel, and make room for, uncomfortable feelings. Instead, they avoid, skim over or minimize those feelings and, as a result, they block empathy."

Wilkinson believes that the worst thing you can say is, “I know how you feel.” In conversations about race, it is unlikely that you have the same lived experiences as the other person. Instead, she recommends these empathetic responses:

•	“That sounds tough. How are you feeling?”
•	"I really don’t know what this feels like. Could you tell me?”
•	"What has it been like for you?”
•	"What do you need right now?” 

Wilkinson believes that sympathy is not what is required in conversations about race. “What’s needed is compassionate empathy, the type of empathy that moves you to right action.”
https://bit.ly/3mirK2w

Resources

Brené Brown on empathy
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

“Test Yourself for Hidden Bias”
www.learningforjustice.org/professional-development/test-yourself-for-hidden-bias

Contributed by Erin Good, communications consultant